NEW DETAILS ABOUT THE CONTENTS OF SECRETARY NOEM'S STOLEN HANDBAG*

The Hank Briefing— It was reported on Sunday that Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem’s handbag was stolen at a restaurant where she was dining.

Early reports indicated that her passport, $3,000 in cash, and her security badge were taken.

Our White Donald House sources alerted us earlier today that also in the stolen bag and taken were Secretary Noem’s small remaining amounts of kindness and compassion.

The White Donald House said in a statement, “The President is both stunned and disappointed to learn that the Secretary had any residual kindness and compassion. We worked hard to screen that stuff out when we vetted people for our Cabinet. Certainly there were no signs of any problem.”

Commenting on the theft, the Secretary told us, “Losing the $3,000 hurts. I didn’t need any of the other stuff. But I was going to use the money to buy some of the President’s Cryptocurrency. Would have paid for my retirement. Now I’ll have to continue taking bribes.”

You can read more about Secretary Noem here and here.

This piece is satire/fake news